its fuckin 2am and i have to write this. i still use women, maybe not in the worst way, but i do. i love to feel their attraction to me, it somehow makes me feel valuable. sometimes i hate that about myself, but seemingly not enough to change it. im new bill, wont do anything, but plays the game. it all gets mixed up in wanting to know people too. this friend of lena’s i met last weekend, does she know i have a girlfriend? i guess not, but i could have told her. instead, i invite her over and attempt to really set her up with one of my roommates. he likes her, and i really dont know how she feels about anyone really. i get the impression she might like me, and deep down i like it. not interested, just like the attention. anyway, isnt it natural to enjoy attention? still wrong not to tell her im not available. so she left and we, really just me and matt, watched Good Will Hunting. such an amazing movie. love it, saw too many parallels to my life and my relationships and laura. nobody does o chem for fun. more tears. thought i might actually do some math homework. simple truths. cant be eloquent tonight, words failing. love you girl, come home soon

new rage album kicks ass. rips on government and religion, surprising that i would like it huh? corporations run us, democrats and republicans. we, the people, have been ignored and i wonder how much of that is due to our acceptance of it. demand campaign finance reform and an end to lobbying. economic transformations and new technology lead to monopolies i think, as you can see these days and compare it to beginnings of oil and railroad industries. i just hope the internet will also allow for greater choice and freedom. seems like it could, but who owns the lines and backbones? who posts whatever they fuckin want? we do, so testify till they regulate and take it away! lots of posts recently

so i added a song from the new counting crows, but you wont hear it unless you got a superspeedy connection or a decent one and read slow. i think its illegal, but i really love these guys and this new song and its too long for them to put on the radio. the music throws me so badly, makes me almost cry sometimes, saw them 3 times i think, and balled at every show. four of my friends have met mr duritz, but i never have. sucks, could of all but one of those times. the songs just connect. dreamt of a brown eyed girl on a railway car, kicked my sheets cause i couldnt sleep, she rolled over and over in my head weeks through, so confused thinking and dumb connections, never till now did i realize who it might have been, try austria

really not much to say, but i feel like writing something. im starting to like McCain more and more. hope that a republican wins, am i crazy? so referencing my birthday, SBC says they will do all IP telephony by 2004. that would be a major surprise and achievement. laura, im sorry. wasnt in a good mood when you called and now you are in Hungary with no way to email me cause i missed it this morning. i never send any cause id rather hear your voice. so thinking about the shit i said above and got me annoyed at religion like i always am, but saw a PBS special and the pope is not all bad. he thinks science should be accepted by the church, has meeting with top guys, as the one truth will be shown in all fields, through faith and technology and discovery. he is really a pretty good guy, except for some of his pessimism on this being the century of death and also his refusal to accept communism when the only other choice was their own destruction. he has led the church to accept capitalism limitedly and defeated oppressive communism throughout europe. nobody wants abortion, so why limit contraception? and that leads me to my last comment, EC stands for emergency contraception which is a pill that does not allow conception to occur. it is contraception, not abortion like RU486. people need to know about it so go hereto learn. i choose not to fuck yet, but i dont think that needs to be the choice for others

driving today and i thought about the two girls that made me dumb. didnt fall in love with them cause love is not the romantic selfish crap of needing but much more beautiful and universal. anyway, they were both innocent and socially acceptable. then they dumped me and changed alot. got wild, not that that was bad, but just completely different. one side of the spectrum to the other. did i know that and got attracted cause of it, could i have caused it, would laura do the same? difference is that laura didnt make me dumb, and thats why i can stay with her. i tired of the others and then hated them, and it was all crazy bullshit that is not about long-term relationships but some kind of dysfunctional fill my need i didnt complete as a child cause my parents were like that shit. listen to loveline or see eyes wide shut if you are confused, and try to understand a little about people. man, im a self-righteous asshole. damn good movies recently, american beauty and fight club. had to say that other shit or spend too much time trying to write a song or poem or maybe i still will

bradley and mccain should run together. i guess id like it if bradley was president and mccain vp, but either would be fine with me. they could passionately discuss and debate the issues together publicly, so that the US public could understand issues and get more involved. people could learn more about why each party holds the views they do. it could be the true “campaign finance reform” party. actually if one of them is able to capture their party’s nomination, they should just choose the other as vp. it would be a shoe-in with major support from one party and some from the other. today is my birthday, and that means i flipped a car 3 years ago. im getting tired waiting for the information super highway. electricity and data/phone/multimedia fiberoptic lines should be public or controlled by a company that consumers do not pay. either they are public and we pay through taxes or the company is paid by those that consumers pay for the services, like the companies that make the power or the ISP/phone/cable company (that would all become access providers). we need reliable networks yet competitive services. guess IP telephony must come first………laura????

just changed the picture on the top, i miss her badly already. she is gonna be in Europe for almost 3 months. at least i got to talk to her today, timezones make communication annoying and complicated. old bill must be dead, cause i dont care that i feel that i need her. this sucks.

hey, my computer is working. now im running 98 and the date means it should have crashed. anyway, long time since last entry and i just want to say a couple of things. the house is really coming along as a number of rooms are painted and im gonna look into carpeting soon. place is gonna rock. thinking about the music industry, and how artists make little off of their own CD’s. MP3’s should be freely distributed so more artists get heard. artists would tour more to get money, and tour in festivals if they couldnt do it on their own. to get the booklet and full CD or DVDA, as may come about, you could go to their web site or amazon.com or something like that. artists would need companies able to produce the media, but otherwise less conglomerates would control the industry. the radio would be less repeats as no big company would push images or certain sounds. maybe it would all stop sounding alike. more new stuff and more efforts by artists to put out quality product. kinda a return to innocence. ill talk more about this utopia later.

yesterday was ozzfest and most of the bands were ok, better than i thought they would be. exceptions included primus, rob zombie, and the amazing black sabbath. loved the sabbath. just bloody awesome. zombie was really cool and primus rocked like always except that les shared some very sad news. Marc Sandman of Morphine died in Italy onstage. they were a great and original band that i saw a number of times. he had a voice that melts. truly missed.

i feel obliged to write something today. my lazy ass bought a ticket for Tibetan ’99 cause RATM joined the Chicago show at Alpine Valley but then this morning i went back to sleep cause it looked like the show would be flooded out. should of went, cause even the mud would have been better than me sitting here doing shit. guess ill get laundry done. i was thinking last night, that there has gotta be a better way than ticketmaster. i bought the ticket that was supposed to cost 38.50 and it ended up at 47.00. if you want to buy the tickets in person, you gotta go to a dominicks food store and hope the system is working. does ticketmaster pay the people at dominicks? maybe sidewalk.com people could devise a way to beat them with some new tech stuff. i hope so, cause no service fee should be over 5 bucks ever! my grandmother died friday night/saturday morning. such a good lady, took care of me alot when i was little. i just want to say thank you.