something really strange is going on with the pumpkins. it is not going to be a typical break-up i must believe. i think they will be back in another form. there is too much shit everywhere, on their site, in the album lyrics and cover art, in the press conference and just timing in general. “I used to be a little boy, So old in my shoes” always made me think of the time i was wearing shoes too small when i was too small, and i said that every life has some pain in it. i didnt immediately like the pumpkins, they were ok and i wasnt interested in buying an album. that is until i saw them open the first of three shows on the MCIS tour at the then rosement horizon near chicago, which i only went to because a friend had to cancel. it kicked ass. rock the type of zeppelin and the doors brought together. i love how corgan can talk and scream and think to the music, and of course how the band is there to back his ass up. we waited outside to see a glimpse of them as they left, and kinda saw d’arcy. we went to summerfest in milwaukee early to get free tickets to their show, and they played almost exclusively the new album at the time, adore, completely underrated. the cheeseheads around us sucked, wanted to hear everything they had ever heard again through a drunken haze, got really annoyed at my trancing. the end was awesome, RADIOish. then at the world music theater, pretty much the same show, but i believe the ending was different. strange coincidence that the same friend of mine who had to give up his ticket the first time i saw them didnt like the show and left early. i used to think he was a fan of them. so i saw them again at the aragon, got pretty close, but the fans were a problem. it was too scattered, i couldnt rock like i used to. and then i listened to the next night’s show on XRT, luckily my bro told me about it. his dad was there. billy? thats my name too. id like to talk to you. so here is how ill do it. everyone else, you can read it too if you want i guess. billy? i wanna talk to you about the rock. maybe its that the middle-ground is fading away. pop and asshole rock have dragged the culture in separate directions. even XRT is getting more commercial. but there is still good stuff around, real rock, you guys, pearl jam, red hot chili peppers. and there is so much indie and punk stuff out there that people like me are turning to to find some salvation. i wonder if the day of the megaband is ending. while it seems to get more commercial, maybe thats like their last breath tortured into a scream. i think technology is bringing it back to the people, and maybe its just that you realize that. and like jesus, you are testing us, wondering if we all really care about the rock and its trancendant power. and you will die in your current incarnation to be born again. a different form, one for a generation of MP3’s and all that that entails. where people decide what music they like. where the artist must be one again. did you talk to prince?

so i got the webcam going, but i now realize that you cant read the blog cause the refresh brings you to the top again. damnit!

went to kansas this weekend, congrats to lena! lots of drinking. yeah. watching it and hearing about what happened at home, it seems people are in such fear. alcohol gives many of them the courage to speak their feelings, a way to explain it away if they feel rejection when they open their mouth. maybe thats why they try to separate themselves from the sober ones. that sucks. these drinking gatherings must feel great, cause they are letting out bottled up feelings. fight club support meetings. course my view is fucked up, outsider looking in. society shuts us up but allows us to pay for one of a number of ways out. instead we should walk out the unlocked doors and refuse to lift another brick. side note: mp3s have made me buy the cd, maybe im the exception. maybe i wouldnt be if cds cost a reasonable amount. didnt the FTC say that was your fault?

i asked for rain, and it came in sheets. i tried to take a picture, but it doesnt come out well, and you cant see droplets. aint joni cute? zeppelin, good idea clint. throw in physical, uh huh. wow. pounding zep, grr ooh yeah. the best pure rock band. heard phish for real the first time today, jazzy stories. second listen should solidify it for me. are you ok laura, i feel like the us might be slipping away. we never seem to talk much really, you cant stand my working so much it seems. it fucked up last night, so i get to do it again when we get back. i do love you…but are we meant to be forever? i dont want to tie you down here, you know that is not love to me, it must be free and flowing, subliminal without need, unintentional and whole, what do you want from me that im not giving, i feel that. in my time of dying, lost in it and wet

and then the song comes back again…kills


i just saw this and dont know where it will be continually posted, so i thought id put it here too:
Sunday, April 30, 2000 By SHARON UNDERWOOD For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT/Hanover, NH) As the mother of a gay son, I’ve seen firsthand how cruel and misguided people can be. Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people. I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny. My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay. He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6. In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity. You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that. At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn. If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can? A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.” You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart. He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man. You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance. How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin. The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?” Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? Sharon Underwood lives in White River Junction, Vt.

so you see in a newspaper that you really didnt mean to buy that an old dairy queen’s sign aint coming down cause it has been deemed historic, got an ice cream cone in neon. then you try to buy shoes buy cant cause the times are wrong, store is closed, so you try a creative way home, and see the dairy queen, just as you are thinking this town is pretty with its brown and tan. nothing out of the ord. cept for that sign but it really fits kinda. for some reason, you are listening to son volt cd you didnt mean to be listening to when the lyrics “looking at neon signs, trying to find a meaning” or so come on. yeah forces, like a god, just less specific. the path is good, stop hesitating and worry less kaka.

listening to blink…a note to all who drive: if the lane is ending, and someone is letting you in, please take advantage. i was letting people in today, giving so much space, still people drive right up to the end. genius. football kicked a today. just felt good. wish the DMV didnt suck though, lines around the block. craze. and the Andy Kaufman story was good, man on the moon. made me drop out of myself, not that the fact my girl might be leaving for cali for the summer and longer. back to Kaufman though, neat guy. like morrison, its all about mob, audience, responses. stepping out of life but into the moment, watching people react. fuck my and your self, love life. but then you are always left with the question of who these guys were really, did we see it at all, does it matter. is there a real anything? should there be. staticflux, says no and all the better. you know, he is living in my basement with jimbo.

its late and im still at work, cause i left to see NIN and A Perfect Circle, maynard’s side project. damn good. seems APC is an extension in the direction of “Push It” live. deeply introspective and all about true relationship shit. i love that guy. they also covered a Cure song, i know it but not the name. and id never seen NIN before and im sad about that now. their new album is so good, and they mixed it in perfectly with the classic older stuff. they opened by playing the first song off the new album behind a curtain, just shadows. didnt open them till it was over, really neat. yeah, so this was another damn fine show that got me in touch with feelings i needed to explore again. a little mosh, punched in the face. concerts are really my escape, meditation, nirvana.


yep, i must be dumb. 34 people and companies gave Bush Jr. $250,000 each because they simply want good government. no, not preferential treatment. he is amazing, collected more than $20 million at one event. and the NRA support Republicans for the same reason, they just want fair government. there is gonna be a hearing on the elian thing. not because people want one, 68% say no. i guess i dont know why really. i guess cause the issue deserves that much attention. we need to spend more money and time on it. maybe its the same reason we spent so much looking into the president’s personal problems. but how dare we waste a dime on welfare or supporting the working poor’s healthcare situation. clinton is an evil evil man, right? hate. we are wasting a lot of time and money on it.